I have a new worst-feeling-in-the-world, and it is called Disappointing My Husband.
I lied to my boss on Wednesday morning. I told him I had the flu but I didn't. I really just needed a personal day, but I'm not allowed any for the first year I work. I was in desperate need of some mental and emotional recovery time because working with that man is taking a toll on me. So I lied. And it was wrong.
But I had a really good day. I relaxed, slept, watched a movie, read, played games on the computer. And my brain was still active and aware at 8:00 last night, which never happens. It was a treat to be able to enjoy being with my husband while I was still emotionally and mentally awake, rather than the drained, empty version of myself that Kevin gets every night.
However, my boss texted me to stay home today as well because he is getting ready to go on vacation and doesn't want to get my germs. Which I don't have because I'm faking it. But after he said that, and I had a consequence to the lie I had told him earlier, I felt bad. And then I saw how disappointed Kevin was in me for lying, and I felt way worse. And when he told me that yes, he was disappointed in me, my heart just dropped down to my stomach.
We talked some about how he never lies and just doesn't understand it. I told him how easily it comes to me, and how I sometimes lie for no reason whatsoever. It's a bad sign that I lie and then don't even feel bad about it. It shows how far I've slipped from God (although, even when I'm "in good standing" with God, I still have to consciously stop myself from lying). And it's a bad sign that I'm much more upset about disappointing my husband than by disappointing God.
Let's work on this, shall we? Logging off to spend some alone time with Jesus.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
phillip's demise
It is COLD outside. It didn't get above 20 degrees yesterday. Which means that over the past week, some of our outdoor furry friends have decided to become indoor furry friends. Namely Phillip the mouse. We met him for the first time on Wednesday. As we were watching a movie, we saw him scurry out from the kitchen, pause under the dining room table, and scurry back. Kevin screeched, having never seen a mouse in a house. Ruby, the extremely vicious pit bull, cocked her head to the side and wagged her tail, never leaving the couch. After a day of being terrified of the rustling I heard whenever I opened the pantry, we decided to trap Phillip. So Kevin brought some traps home on Thursday night and put peanut butter on them. Then he put one in the pantry and the other on the side of the fridge. Nothing happened Thursday. Or Friday. When I got up and looked on Saturday morning, I saw poor Phillip next to the fridge. I saw his little feet and little face and the sight still haunts me. I even teared up about it a couple of times. And that is why I should never name mice.
I've loved yesterday and today though. I love looking outside and seeing the landscape so frosty, although it meant that my friend Brian couldn't drive down from Denver yesterday because of the black ice on Monument Hill. Another time. I just looked at the weather online and it said that we're currently at 29 degrees but it feels like 7 because of the wind. So we'll bundle up, go to church, and come home and eat chicken that's been cooking in the crockpot all night. Yummy!
Here's what our grapevines looked like on the fence in our backyard yesterday - so pretty!
thriving
Sometimes I get really frustrated when I log on and see that no one has updated their blog for me to look at. The nerve! And then I feel guilty because I notice that the last time I wrote was exactly one month ago. That's all.
I heard Kevin tell his brother on the phone the other day that we're "surviving, not thriving." And it's true. Every week and ever month is a struggle, although it's good to know that we struggle financially, no longer personally or relationally. So I got to thinking, what would it take for us to thrive, not merely survive? For one, it would definitely take new jobs. For me, I would love one where I didn't cry on the drive home 3 days a week. I'd love to work in shop - I know that's not the dream for many - but a little craft store or flower shop or something like that. I know I'll have to deal with crummy people sometimes, but at least it wouldn't be under the command of my current employer. I think that this would be A) interesting, B) less stressful, and C) good experience for when my sister and I open our own place.
And what would it take for Kevin to thrive? Well, a steady job for sure. There are weeks where he subs every day, and weeks where he doesn't get a single call. And although he is teaching ballroom dance classes, that is taking off pretty slowly. So either a teaching job or instructing dance full time, that would help him to thrive.
I know that if I were to find a different job, my personal life would improve as well. As it is, I am so grumpy and emotionally drained by the end of the day that I don't want to leave the house or see anyone besides Kevin and Ruby. I feel like that would change if I was doing something that I enjoyed and didn't leave me either emotionally stunted or maniacally crying. It would be fun to do things with friends more.
In many ways we're so blessed though. My grandparents, who "remember how hard it was during our first year of marriage," have blessed up by sending a little money, always at the perfect time. And they've offered to take us grocery shopping as well. And my parents have blessed us as well, by picking little things up for the house when they see something they know I'd like, and taking us out to eat and paying. Not to mention that they only charge us $650 in rent, which is a steal for our house. So it feels really good to think about them, and to realize that there are people who are helping push us towards thriving, and those people remember how difficult their first year was as well.
I heard Kevin tell his brother on the phone the other day that we're "surviving, not thriving." And it's true. Every week and ever month is a struggle, although it's good to know that we struggle financially, no longer personally or relationally. So I got to thinking, what would it take for us to thrive, not merely survive? For one, it would definitely take new jobs. For me, I would love one where I didn't cry on the drive home 3 days a week. I'd love to work in shop - I know that's not the dream for many - but a little craft store or flower shop or something like that. I know I'll have to deal with crummy people sometimes, but at least it wouldn't be under the command of my current employer. I think that this would be A) interesting, B) less stressful, and C) good experience for when my sister and I open our own place.
And what would it take for Kevin to thrive? Well, a steady job for sure. There are weeks where he subs every day, and weeks where he doesn't get a single call. And although he is teaching ballroom dance classes, that is taking off pretty slowly. So either a teaching job or instructing dance full time, that would help him to thrive.
I know that if I were to find a different job, my personal life would improve as well. As it is, I am so grumpy and emotionally drained by the end of the day that I don't want to leave the house or see anyone besides Kevin and Ruby. I feel like that would change if I was doing something that I enjoyed and didn't leave me either emotionally stunted or maniacally crying. It would be fun to do things with friends more.
In many ways we're so blessed though. My grandparents, who "remember how hard it was during our first year of marriage," have blessed up by sending a little money, always at the perfect time. And they've offered to take us grocery shopping as well. And my parents have blessed us as well, by picking little things up for the house when they see something they know I'd like, and taking us out to eat and paying. Not to mention that they only charge us $650 in rent, which is a steal for our house. So it feels really good to think about them, and to realize that there are people who are helping push us towards thriving, and those people remember how difficult their first year was as well.
Friday, September 11, 2009
drat.
I didn't get the job I interviewed for. They hired internally. Oh well, I'll find something else.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
blogging at work
No, I don't have a new job. My boss is taking a vacation week, and I'm enjoying it nearly as much as he is. And considering I took a short lunch yesterday, I can afford a little bloggy time.
I had an interview last week at Colonial Columns, a nursing facility where my Aunt Caryn works. They need a receptionist and would pay me more than what I'm making now, plus paid vacation and benefits, which I don't have here. I felt like the interview went well, but I still haven't heard back. Everyone says I should call and ask if they've made a decision yet, but I'm torn. It might be better to not know for sure than to have a positive no. So I wait. Impatiently.
It's fall. I can smell it, and feel it. Even when it's hot, I can still feel the autumn in the air. Hooray! This is my favorite time of the year. Kevin and I will have to go up to the mountains again soon - I love the mountains in Colorado in the fall - the colors are astounding.
I had an interview last week at Colonial Columns, a nursing facility where my Aunt Caryn works. They need a receptionist and would pay me more than what I'm making now, plus paid vacation and benefits, which I don't have here. I felt like the interview went well, but I still haven't heard back. Everyone says I should call and ask if they've made a decision yet, but I'm torn. It might be better to not know for sure than to have a positive no. So I wait. Impatiently.
This week my husband has said "I love you" by cleaning the entire house, doing the dishes, and cooking yummy food for me. I haven't been nearly as good at telling him back.
My bestest friend Steph is coming this weekend! I haven't seen that woman since she was about 6 months pregnant, and now Avalon is one year old! I have nothing planned, but I'm just giddy thinking about spending all day Sunday with her.
Movie recommendation - The Time Traveler's Wife. My mom took my sister and me to see it last weekend. Here is my honest opinion: extremely chick-flicky, emotional, and good. I cried my eyes out for the last third of the movie. I really liked it, although I felt like I needed to go rent 300 afterward to reclaim some of my stoicism.
I'm painting our front door red this weekend. Kevin doesn't know it. But I think he's beginning to like all the color that I surround him with. At least he puts up with it. Green furniture, yellow walls, turquoise kitchen, red front door; I know he's humoring me, and I appreciate it.
Writing this blog is making me realize just how dull my life actually is. Ugh. Why do I always feel so busy but never actually DO anything? I feel like I need to get away and DO something - some kind of a vacation or trip or something. I don't actually have the funding for such an endeavor (the gas station laughed at me as I counted out $7 in ones and change yesterday), but maybe next year.
Monday, August 24, 2009
onesies
Someday I'm going to have a little girl and I'm going to make her wear little clothes like these that I found on http://www.makoollovesyou.com:
Saturday, August 22, 2009
oh, kitchen...
So right now I am taking a little break from painting. I've been at it for about 6 hours now, and finally have the entire kitchen primed. I think that I'll just put one white coat on the ceiling tonight and then be done til tomorrow. And I'm becoming increasingly frustrated as I look at drawer handles online - the cheapest that I like is about $3... and I need 20!
It's been rougher than I anticipated, having Kevin gone. I guess that's probably a good thing... means I love him. That first day & night alone though, that was tough. I think I'm handling it better than Ruby though. She's a hot mess. She's mopey and whiny and keeps jumping up on the couch anytime a car goes by because she's hoping it's Kevin. So sad. I'm the unloved parent.
Beckie and I went treasure hunting at the flea market this morning. And we found treasures but they cost too much. They did have a lot of fresh fruit though, so we got some yummy mangoes. And I got some sunglasses because mine ran away somewhere. Overall it was a bit disappointing though. I feel like they probably had a lot more cool stuff earlier in the summer, but we waited too long. Alas.
I had planned on going to church by myself this evening, but those plans were interrupted by a large glob of paint falling on my head about 10 minutes before I should have left. I saved myself the embarrassment of going out in public looking like a freaking ostrich had pooed on my head and instead continued painting.
Before & after photos of the kitchen coming soon!
It's been rougher than I anticipated, having Kevin gone. I guess that's probably a good thing... means I love him. That first day & night alone though, that was tough. I think I'm handling it better than Ruby though. She's a hot mess. She's mopey and whiny and keeps jumping up on the couch anytime a car goes by because she's hoping it's Kevin. So sad. I'm the unloved parent.
Beckie and I went treasure hunting at the flea market this morning. And we found treasures but they cost too much. They did have a lot of fresh fruit though, so we got some yummy mangoes. And I got some sunglasses because mine ran away somewhere. Overall it was a bit disappointing though. I feel like they probably had a lot more cool stuff earlier in the summer, but we waited too long. Alas.
I had planned on going to church by myself this evening, but those plans were interrupted by a large glob of paint falling on my head about 10 minutes before I should have left. I saved myself the embarrassment of going out in public looking like a freaking ostrich had pooed on my head and instead continued painting.
Before & after photos of the kitchen coming soon!
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